the truth of the matter...

It has been quite sometime since I've posted and so many, many things have happened since. I amicably "desolved" my marriage and moved across the country.
I'm still sharing a house with my ex of 23 years and two lovely children, for now but more of that later.
Life isn't always easy but it is certainly is an adventure! In lieu of all the changes I've decided to make this a little more of a personal blog, and less of a project blog. There will be creative endeavors when appropriate but there are too many things that just need to get out.
I sat at Southside Casino, in Austin where I am now residing, last night with my dear friend, Bobby. Bobby is a writer. We got into a discussion about writing and the importance of doing it each day. So, I'm going to attempt that at least for now. Even if a small amount is all I can manage every day.
I attended a birthday party last night for my friends pet Raven. Late in the evening a new couple arrived. The woman was so put together I could hardly believe the conversation we had. Adorned in a sea green shirt style minidress, delicate gold accessories and a rockn' blonde bob,that framed her angled features in just the right way. She told me of her time in law school, her career in politics, her divorce, her 3 years living in New Orleans. We shared of our passion for that little gem of a city and the acceptance of the community there, the magical ambiance of the streets. She shared about attending a friends birthday brunch earlier in the day, the friend was turning 35, same age as this powerhouse woman in green.
Their conversation centered around how life at 35 looks different than anticipated and the struggles we face in that. I remember that, the lost and confusing thoughts of why here, why this, what now... I realised something in that moment. In the past 8 months these very thoughts, thoughts of failure, desperation loneliness and sorrow have brought me, literally, to the brink. I found myself standing 30 feet high, on top of a metal fence above a rocky and rushing creek ready to let go. Something inside kept me from letting go. I've since said it was the lack of garantee of death, the idea that I could find myself mangled and damaged. perhaps it was merely my vanity that kept me safe but maybe it was the voice that speaks louder inside my head everyday, this voice isn't always clear, it isn't always shouting, sometime s it is a whisper and a small one at that. But it is growing, gaining ground. It is the voice that says, "you are more, you are not a child, you are not a victim, you might feel lonely but you are not alone, you are whole and complete. You sparkle and not just fade." I'm learning to be the captain, to say where the ship goes, too find my own true north, to sit alone with ME and be okay, to know that I am worthy, that I have power, that I am enough.
I told my therapist recently that, "I can sit with the devil in the darkness as long as I know it's the devil" and yes it is true, I am learning to identify my demons, I am giving them names and removing their strength and hold over me. Learning to live, to love, to let go and fly.
My mind is spinning with the things I can continue on with but for now that is enough,it is mother's day, I sit here alone, my kids are camping with my ex and his new girlfriend, and I've got a pair of wings to build.
Learning to fly, loving to soar...